Smackie the Frog

I am embarrassed. Very embarrassed. Why? Because yesterday I watched NASCAR. I watched NASCAR and I enjoyed it. This is not allowed. I like to consider myself, well, not a hoosier. And yet yesterday I watched NASCAR. I learned a few things, though, and felt like I should report on those for those of you who have never gotten up the courage to actually watch it.

-The NASCAR people speak a different language. If you don’t know what wedge is, you’re gonna be confused. If, to you, loose is a bad characteristic in a lover, you’re gonna be confused. It is also one of the few places on national TV where people with thick southern accents get to talk. The other one that immediately comes to mind is bullriding.

-Crashes are exciting, but people can die in them. So never admit that you watch it for the crashes. You watch it for the sport of racing. Deep inside, however, we all know you’re watching for the crashes. (It is the same way there is a small part of us that hopes for a tragedy because it makes life exciting.)

-Fall asleep during the middle part. It is just rednecks going left.

-Be thankful that you are watching from your living room. If you were actually there you would be surrounded by 200,000 people who think the south shoulda won the civil war, and they are still pissed about it.

-If you’re not white, change the channel. This isn’t for you.

-If you’re not American, turn on the “Speed” channel and watch that funky European racing. (In what seems to be a universal sign of racing, the announcers to that kind of racing also speak in weird accents.)

-Some people drive Dodge. Some people drive Chevy. Some people drive Ford. They all look the same. Don’t worry about this. The announcers just say stuff like “Dodges don’t get the same gas mileage as Fords” just so that have something to say during the 4 hours in the middle bit where nothing is happening.

-Sponsers are everything. You can tell when they interview the driver and he says “Boy I’ll tell you what the Viagra-UPS-Oreo-Crest-Valvoline-Amaco-Virgin Atlantic Dodge was really driving tight today. The crew really had the wedge right and Earl and Bubba really had the Fritos-Charmin-Neiman Marcus tires dialed in.”

-Dale Earnhardt died in a crash a while ago. As such he is now a God among NASCAR fans and his number 3 can now be found on Confederate Flags. That is the sign of a true hero.

-His son, Dale Earnhardt Junior now races, under the nick name “Junior”. (NASCAR folks are creative.) He is almost as big as his daddy was. (It is always daddy. Never dad. NEVER father. Daddy.)

-If you must root for someone, root for Jeff Gordon. The hicks hate him. Reason enough in my book.