Merry Christmas everyone! Our family has never done a Christmas letter, but I thought it was about time, and since I have this weblog thingy, what better place to try it out? So I hope you enjoy, and if it goes over well, maybe next year I’ll actually mail one out.
Phil is really loving the military. At first it was hard for him to get adjusted. Waking up at 5:30. Running 5 miles through the woods. Not being able to take his Treo into the mess hall. The last letter that we got from him was much better, though. The infection on his left leg is almost gone, and he rarely gets seasick doing his practice deep sea rescues. I still wonder sometimes why he went into the otter rescue division of the Coast Guard, but it is far from me to deny a true patriot the chance to defend our country in the way that he sees fit. We’re all excited about his trip home for Christmas. Christmas Eve we are all going to gather ’round and listen to his stories about the communal shower and the drill sargeant with the roving hands.
Abby has dropped out of school and is attempting to start her own band. Mom and Dad were skeptical for a while, but I’ve been behind her the whole time. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to hear Reggae Kalimba? Her band’s name is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, named after something that was filed in a lawsuit against their first album. Prior to that they were simply named “Hoes that Blows”. If you live in a certain part of the greater St. Louis area, at night you can tune your radio to 88.2 and hear some of their hits. I would tune in, but I’m waiting until the results of the above mentioned lawsuit to make sure it is safe.
Dad’s company is really taking off. Who knew that Dad had such an eye for talent? If you are on the East Side, make sure to stop by “Chip and Biff’s”. Tell them Nathan sent you, and ask for the “back room special” with Slim. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. (His name is ironic. No worries.)
We aren’t sure where Mom is this year. She ran off about 3 months ago, and no one has heard from her since. I’ve heard rumors that she joined an Indian tribe that is working to recapture the US for its original inhabitants, but since her foot was amputated after a terrible nail trimming incident, and taking into consideration her adverse reaction to wampum, I can’t really believe that. I think it is more likely that she ran off with the Transexual biker she met at the rodeo and is embarrassed to admit it. But hey, that’s just my opinion.
As for me, I’m doing great. I don’t have a girlfriend, but I think that’s okay. I’ve started keeping a diary and each day I write down why things are better alone, and write myself a little message saying that it is okay if I am alone forever. Who needs those fucking bitches anyway?!?! Then I do a couple of shots of Vodka and cry myself to sleep. It helps. It really does. On the bad side I got fired from my job at the post office because they didn’t appreciate me smelling all the letters from women with pretty names. I’m planning on taking them to court, though, because I don’t think there is anything in the Constitution that forbids that.
So as you can see, our family is doing great this year. I would include a family photo, but our camera got stolen on our trip to the sewage treatment plant, and the money that I would use to buy a new one is right now tied up in a loan with a guy I met at the Casino. I’m going to get it back 10 fold, though, so you can expect gorgeous pictures of us all next year.