Well it’s that time of year again. The annual Halley Christmas letter. I know that it is late coming out this year, but I’ve had a horrible skin disease that has made it so my fingers burned every time I would type and little bits of skin would get stuck to the keyboard, and I got sick of having to clean that off.
The big news this year was Baba’s accident. She was trying to clean the mold out of her fridge when a wedge of cheese from 1984 fell on her head, knocking her over, causing her to break both of her arms, her pelvis, one leg, and her left ankle. She was in a nursing home for a while, but the money ran out pretty quickly. (There are those of us who think Charley took some of the money to finance his new hobby: bullfighting) Anyway, after she got kicked out we had to find some place to stash her. We actually still haven’t found a place to stash her. We just keep telling the nursing home we’ll pick her up tomorrow. They don’t feed her, and usually just leave her under the front awning, waiting for us, but at least she’s safe. If anyone knows of someone looking for an old broken women to keep them company, please let me know. We’d all be very grateful.
Phil had a summer internship out in California. We were all sad to see him go, but it was a great opportunity for him to break into the gay pornography business. He was so good that they’ve given him an offer to come back out (no pun intended) and work full time once he finishes up his correspondence courses. We’re all very excited for him, and are eagerly awaiting his first movie. I’m sorry that it wasn’t out in time for Christmas. It would have been a great stocking stuffer for all of you. Maybe next year.
You might have actually heard about Abby on the news. She also spent the summer out of town, only she was in Washington, D.C. She used some of Baba’s money to bribe a Congressman into giving her a page position. Well little did we know that not only would Abby be involved in the firing scandal that you’ve surely heard about, but she is also now carrying Alan Keyes’s baby. We’re all very excited to have a new member of the family.
I don’t know if any of you heard, but mom will be spending this Christmas in jail. All that I’m allowed to say right now is that she was transporting goats across state lines for illicit purposes. She goes to trial in January, and we have the best lawyer that money can buy. If you’ve watched daytime TV you’ve probably seen commercials for Brown and Crouppen. Well it isn’t those guys, but some guys that were described as “similar in girth”. We think we’ve got a good chance.
Dad started off the year well, getting hired on as a janitor at Boeing. He had been an engineer there before the nervous breakdown, so they decided to give him another chance. Unfortunately, he was fired after he was repeatedly caught masturbating onto the women’s toilet seats. Right now he is looking for a new job, but he has gotten a horrible skin disease that makes him smell like cabbage, and that’s making it real hard for him.
As for me, I’ve had the best year of my life. I’ve managed to make it a whole year without getting dumped. That might have something to do with the fact that my current girlfriend, Kelly, has been in a coma since early in the year when she backed into a bus full of retards. We’re actually making a little bit of extra money right now by allowing people to do experiments on her, so honestly, if she doesn’t wake up for a while, I’m not going to complain.
Anyway, I hope that all of you had a year that was as good as ours! Merry Christmas and Love from the Halleys!