As I’ve grown older, I’ve definitely gotten better at handling various situations. I’m not going to say that I’m perfect, because I’m not close. But I do have less of a temper, and I do look at things in a more mature way. I think back on some of the ways that I reacted to things that happened to me 6 or 8 years ago, and I cringe. Death, however, is something that I can’t come to terms with, and I haven’t figured out how to deal with in an “adult” manner.
What really got me thinking about death, at least enough to write a post about it, was a bird that I saw die on Friday. I was driving and the car in front of me hit this little guy and knocked him to the street. I swerved to miss him as he was floundering around, but the car behind me drove right over him. The whole thing really shook me up. And thus, a blog post was born.
I have a very vivid memory from when I was about 10. My family was shopping for furniture. I think specifically we were shopping for a new kitchen table. I think it was that because I remember the salesman saying that this would be a great place to eat. And I remember my thoughts exactly after he said that. “Why does it matter? We’re all just going to die someday.” Now, I’m not saying that I think that anymore, but it does give some insight into me.
Even now, sometimes I won’t be able to go to sleep for hours, because I will be thinking about dying. I get upset because there is so much left that I want to do, and I can’t ever imagine all of this being over. But I wonder if maybe someday that won’t be the case. Maybe someday I will be done with all of this, and the pain, or loneliness, or something will have built up to the point where I’m ready to go. But I can’t imagine that.
I’ve really had to come to terms with my own mortality in the last two years, since I was diagnosed with diabetes. I know that statistically I am likely to live shorter than I would if I didn’t have this disease. Sure, I know that there are things I can do to make that not the case. And I can hope that a cure will come about. But still, there will always be something in the back of my head that knows there is a good chance that I’m going to die before I “should”. And that terrifies me.
What I fear most, though, isn’t my death, but the death of people around me. I’ve been very lucky in that the people that I love most in the world are mostly still around. I’ve lost two grandparents, but as harsh as this sounds, I was pretty young, and so it affected me completely differently. But I know that eventually that luck is going to run out, and I’m not sure that I know how to handle it.
Because I’m so scared of losing anyone, I think in completely irrational ways. When I see that there has been a car accident somewhere on the way to Dad’s work, my first thought can’t help but be “Was that Dad?” On Saturday I knew that Kelly was going up on her roof, and part of me was convinced that I was going to read on stltoday.com about a girl who fell from the roof of her house while checking for leakage. I get nervous when people are on plane flights, and I sit there constantly updating the flight status to make sure that everything is okay.
So I really don’t know what is going to happen when someone I love dies. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. And I don’t know how to prepare myself, or if there is even a way to do it. I guess all I can do is continue being a little loony, and hope I can deal with it when it comes. Or hope that everyone I know lives to be in their 100s.
2 Comments
Um, I had this really long comment and then realized I sounded way too… well way too lots of things. So to summarize… I get it. And don’t be so afraid of loss that you miss out on what matters. You will deal with it when it happens, and the cool thing is that you’ll have people that you love just as much to help you through it (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). This coming from a girl who has given a parrot and a kitten CPR (unsuccessfully).
No one really knows about death. I just know that it is a part of existance and it a way it is probably a necessity. Knowing that life is not infinite makes us do things that we might not do if we had all the time in the world.
It happens to everyone, and in the case of the bird, it was put out of its misery. Suicide is wrong because of the sorrow it brings to those who love us, but in the case of someone in really horrendous pain, I would not criticize. There was a time that I wished I could just be done with it all and not have to go through all the therapy and stuff, but it was not to be at that time.
I have often envied those who have had “near death” experiences, but then I do not know if these are real or a chemical reaction of the body shutting down. But always they were sent back after being told that it was not their time yet. So I dont need the NDE, as I accept that it just is not my time yet.
I have lost a lot of loved ones and friends, and miss them, sometimes disproportionally to their closeness. This tells me that I must appreciate those I have in my life while I have them. And NO ONE knows who is going next.
I am so very sorry that you have the diabetes. Could you imagine me walking a mile for any other purpose? But I am fully confident that there will be vast improvements in the treatment and possibly a cure, and not that far off.
In short, you must not worry about death, because that does not do any good. Only worry about things you can do something about, and then instead of worrying, do that something about it. With much love, BABA