Nothing.

That’s right. None of the issues that I went into the meetings hoping to get solved, did get solved. The first meeting was about this woman at work who completely lied about me. So the meeting was about how to make her happy with the software that I’m writing for her. We brought in some experts to look at what I had done. And you know what? They said that my software looked amazing. Just like the liar-woman had said herself a few months ago. But then, right after the meeting, we tried to get a hold of her. No luck. Not responding. What a shock. At least I think my boss now understands that I have been telling the truth about her and the situation.

Meeting the 2nd was at Dad’s work, to figure out an issue for how they do inspections and how we are tracking them in a piece of software I am writing for them. And you know what? After three hours, nothing was solved. If anything, we were further away from the solution than we were when we went in.

The third meeting was today. A planned follow up meeting about the liar woman. But she still hasn’t responded, so the meeting was basically pointless, and just ended up being over an hour of my boss talking about other things. It wasn’t bad, because I like my boss, but it didn’t solve the issue at hand. We actually even discussed stuff from the meeting I had at Dad’s, but we weren’t able to come up with any other solutions.

So I guess I’m just wondering, what is the point of having meetings? Do they accomplish anything? I’m not sure that I’ve ever really been in a meeting that has accomplished anything. In fact it seems like most things get accomplished when someone just goes and does something, and then faces the consequences later.

Which brings me to the point that I’m trying to make. I think that China has a very good possibility of bypassing the US in a lot of ways, such as technology, because at the end of the day the government can just say “Go do this. Build elevated trains in that city.” Here we have meetings and decide that we’ll put off things until the next meeting. Democracy.

Democracy has failed.

And then it was time to compete. To show what all of this work had done. To show how good I was. And you know what I did? I screwed up huge in a way that I never had before. I did a combination of two things that had never happened to me, and combined they sent me to a lovely finish of 17th. It hurts to type it. I did that badly. THAT badly.

The pain has subsided a little bit in the 6 days since I competed, but mostly because I’ve been trying to think about other things. But I was driving home the other day and some music from my “get pumped up” playlist came on, and there is was. Failure.

So really all there is to do now is get back to practice and start over. I’ve got a year before I can make amends, but I also have a year to get better and fix things. And get mentally stronger.

But for now I’m taking a few weeks where I’m going to try to not think about skating at all. I think maybe I’ve had too much skating for a while.

And truth be told, I’m not really nervous. This year Regionals was my thing. I was aiming to do well there, and anything above that is just a bonus. So I’m going to go, have fun, watch some other people skate, and go out and do my best without stressing out too much about how well I do. If I make finals, great, and if I don’t but I skate my best, then that is great too.

I do have a few things to do to prepare for the competition, though. Well really only one thing. Putting rhinestones on my outfit so that I’ll be even prettier. I started last night, and it was really tedious, and frustrating, and I got glue all over my fingers. But I have to say, it does make the outfit sparkle. So that’s a bonus.

Finally, Nationals are going to be streamed live over the Internets. I’m not sure if my event will be one of the ones streamed, but if it is, I will post a link so that you can all watch me precisely go around in a circle. Which I know is what you all want.

It is a little weird, when I think about it. I think it is mostly weird because it feels like something SHOULD be different. Life there should have been some big revelation or something. But that hasn’t been the case. Today was just like any other Sunday, including going to skating practice in the morning.

But then I think about it a little more. “Whoa, I’m married.” I think a big part of me never really expected that to happen, and yet, here I am.

So we’ll see. Day one has been good. Hopefully the rest will be pretty good as well.

I woke up.

Puking.

Nerves.

Panic attack.

As bad as I had had in a long time. I was terrified to go out there and have to compete. And I had no practice time on the floor. And everyone the day before had told me how they all slipped. And slipping was my biggest fear. It had been for months.

I tossed and turned for a few hours, but didn’t get any real sleep. So around 6:00 I got up, got ready as best I could, packed, met up with the rest of the team, and headed to the rink.

I was a mess.

I got dressed and put on my skates. The nerves built up, but it also felt good to get my skates on. At least a little bit of a familiar feeling. I thought I had about 40 minutes to relax and get ready. They called my name in about 20.

So I went out onto the practice figure circle. I was shaking, but my coach Sherri was there, and my other coach Keith was on the side, and the rest of the team was standing there for support.

I started warming up. And I was shaking. Bad. No food in me. Dehydrated. Terrified. But the practice went okay. I didn’t do terribly. I didn’t do great. But I made it around. I stayed on my skates.

And then they called my number. So I went to the referee, and he told me what I had to do, and wished me luck. And I skated out to the circle. Three judges were waiting for me. And I started. And they followed me, staring at my feet. And my leg was shaking. And my arms were shaking. But I guess my practice took over, and I made it around. One down, two to go.

So after I was done I went over to Sherri, and she told me that I had done well, Keith told me to just improve on the next two. But the next one was the figure that I was dreading. The figure I was most afraid of slipping on. And it was onto the practice circle to try it out. And I slipped. And then I slipped again. And then I started, but I slipped halfway through. And on top of that, my form was completely thrown off. I couldn’t concentrate because of the slips.

Sherri saved the day. She had powder for my wheels. It made them grippier.

And it was back to the referee, and back to the judges. I started the figure. I didn’t slip. Downhill from here, I thought. Nail this, and you’re home free.

And I made it through as best I could, considering the circumstances. One more to go.

Back to the practice circle. And I warmed up, and then went again. The last one was a little too fast. Not my best. But I finished. I did it. I made it through, and gave Sherri a hug.

It was time to wait. An hour until the results were announced.

I just sat there, nervously waiting. I was glad it was done, but I really wanted to do well. Four of us competed in my event. I wanted to come in third. To at least beat someone. But I have only been skating seriously for about 7 months. There were guys in my event who have been doing this over a decade. So I was scared.

Courtney (another team member) told me she thought I did well. But mostly people didn’t say much. Superstition, maybe.

And then it was awards time. So I waited while they announced all the other awards. I stood there thinking “Third would be good. Second would be really nice. And I know it will never happen, but how cool would it be to hear my name called first?”

“And now the results of Novice B Mens Figures. In first place, skater #117, Nathan Halley.”

Flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to do. My eyes definitely got a little watery. I skated out, got my medal, and gave Pat (another skater from the team who was helping people up to the podium at the time) a big hug, and got up on the podium. With a big dumb smile on my face.

The rest of the day wasn’t quite as great, but I did my best, and came away with something that I’m really proud of.

As a sort of epilogue, in writing this I realized how… lets say “emotional” I came across. And I have seen figure skaters on TV and seen them cry and stuff and go to their coaches afterwards. And I always thought it was a little… fruity. Not fruity=gay. Fruity=fruity. You know. But then I got out there and did it, and for some reason, it is a really emotional, and emotionally trying sport. So I totally understand. After you’re done, you totally want a hug from your coach and to just sit and not think about anything for a while. I get it.

Anyway, I guess I’m prepared. I have more practice tonight and tomorrow, but let’s be honest. At this point I’m not going to make any great strides or anything. At best I can hope to fix a few small issues, and get my various steps a little more ingrained.

What I am not prepared for, and I don’t think I can be prepared for, is the mental aspect. The things I’m doing aren’t that physically complicated. It is difficult to do them well, but they aren’t insanely tricky. But mentally, they can actually get you. There are a ton of things that you have to remember, and in the end, it is a mental game. This has been reinforced to me the last several days by my coach and several of my fellow skaters who keep telling me that you have to be mentally tough.

Well here is the thing. I am not mentally tough. I am the absolute king of psyching myself out. I can psych myself out of anything. And it has already begun for skating. I’m already convinced myself that I’m going to screw up a takeoff or something, and that will surely make it a reality, which only convinces me more, which only assures it even more. It is a vicious, vicious cycle.

So I’m going to do my best, but I really don’t have any clue what my best is. But hopefully I’ll have some fun, and it’ll be an adventure regardless. And honestly, I don’t really care what position I come in. I mean, after all, it is just roller skating.

Anyway, like always, I have been neglecting this. And as cliche as it is, life has been really busy lately. It should calm down pretty soon, though. Regionals are coming up in 2 weeks, and after that I should have more free time to devote to other things. Then again, there are so many other things, that perhaps it is wishful thinking to think that after Regionals things will calm down.